If you had the chance to do so – would you change the past?
What was your childhood like?
The relationship you have with your Mom is far from amicable, and cordial at best.
Perhaps she was excessively strict with you when you were a young boy, and she never made you feel loved the way you wanted to be; perhaps there had been a huge argument where you’d been wronged but never bothered to clarify – it wouldn’t have mattered anyway – it’s not like she would listen; perhaps your grievances were left to fester over the years, thereby resulting in a deep-set distrust for female figures of authority.
I wish I could have bestowed upon you a happier childhood, one that wouldn’t leave such a huge void in your heart now, as a grown man. I would also like to convince you that Mom does love you – you just have to give her – and yourself – a chance.
The ones you loved – how were they like?
The girls you pursued often appeared to treat you like trash; they’d either cheat on you, or take you for granted.
It must have killed you when she left you for someone else. Especially since this was supposed to have resulted in marriage, and a family – possibly the kind that you wish you had, growing up. You must have buried yourself in work to mask the pain, hurt, and betrayal, while at the same time convincing yourself that if this was what made her happy, then it didn’t make sense to hold her back.
There was the other girl whom you said had your number saved as “Free Food” in her mobile. How dare she. While you’d laughed it off as an amusing anecdote from your past, I’m sure it was hurtful as hell when you recounted it.
And that girl, the one who came just before me.
The one whom, I suspect, was deeply intertwined with the struggles and battles you fought at work. Memories of her are probably inextricably linked to the dark times you’d had to face in your career, and the fear of history repeating itself – with me – was quite likely the reason behind your unilateral departure.
I wish these girls had cherished you for everything that you are, and loved you with all their heart. If you’d pushed them away because of your inner demons, I wish they’d had more courage to fight for the relationship – because they probably had greater capacity to do so.
For what right – or power – does a girl you’ve only been with for three weeks have, to change your mind?
The dark times you had to endure – how awful were they?
You mentioned that you’d had exceptionally bad experiences at your previous workplace. I never pried for details, because I always thought that we had all the time in the world to learn all about each other, and that you’d tell me when you were ready.
You left, because you were afraid that previous events would recur, and you couldn’t bear to go through it all over again. You admitted to being predisposed, but that the risks were too high. I therefore became the losses you had to cut, for the purposes of self-preservation.
I wish you never had to weather these dark times. Or even if you did, that you’d be better equipped to fight these battles without getting permanently scarred. The depth of your wounds are very much linked to the countless times you’ve had to mend your broken heart, and the resentment you’ve carried with you over the years. I wish I could remove these sources of pain, to render these dark days grey, at their very worst.
But if I really did possess the power to change the past – your past – there’d be every possibility that we would never have met.
And while it would have saved me from heartbreak
It would break my heart more
If we’d never met.